Monday, March 23, 2009

At the End of the Day

I do not even know where to begin. For some reason I wait up for his phone call...but it never comes... We start to text and I immediately know that something is wrong. I assume that it is about Sarah, his girlfriend. He is regretting everything that happened. He tells me that it is going to be fine but I am not stupid. He said that it should not have happened and that it will never happen again. I told him I know it should not have happened but it did. We cannot change it and we both cannot change the course that we are both traveling on.

He says he regrets putting himself in the situation. What happened was so unexpected. We both did not even think about it happening. I asked Shawn, my ex fiance,if he thought he was going to marry Sarah. He said he is thinking about it....WOW i am in love with a soon to be engaged man...this man was once my fiance... I said well then if we are ever to work out then it would be years from now...and he said, no because you have your dreams. That is what hurt the most...tears are everywhere. I potentially have the most important meeting tomorrow morning with my Africa people and it is almost mid night and all I can do is think...I need to get some sleep. I feel so torn... I am watching the love of my life fall in love with someone else...who he never would have fallen in love with if it were not for me and my stubbornness. People say that he probably is not the one, but God I wanted him to be. I just wished that we could fast forward our lives and I could be back in Colorado and we could have a fresh start. He told me to grab my Bible and I said I left it at home. He asked again and I said my dorm. Then I said i said home but I meant dorm...he said exactly. Inferring that my home is 500 miles away and his home is here. He said that if I could I would not change, I would not sacrifice my dreams for him. GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!! Why does it have to hurt so much. I feel like I have a purpose but why is it that fulfilling that purpose does not include him beside me...It is because I do not get to take lovers with me...I go and they stay. So here I am bawling my eyes out when I have the best career move of my life awaiting me in nine hours.

I want to go sleep somewhere else, he is in my sheets, he is in my basement, he is in my car, in my town, every place that I go I feel him there because he is in my heart...

You know what yesterday should not have happened...not at all. But it did and I would not take it back for anything because for a moment everything was the way I always thought it would be. Bethany College was the best career move for me, but what about killed us because once again I was torn...Even when him and I did not talk I thought about him every day.

I guess this is the part where I have to move on...maybe I could not work in Denver...because he is here. I gave up my right to love him when I picked my dreams over him. Yeah him and I had more downs that ups in our relationship but when it is all said and done does it really matter how many fights you had in high school? No. We never got a fair shot at a relationship because we always had the past, and the people around us shooting our dreams out of the sky like geese in bird season.

I have to let it go...I need to let him move on with his life...i do not think I will have that talk with him on Thursday...I know it is not going to be good and I want to know the last time I saw Shawn was amazing not us departing saying our final farewells because we cannot be friends...I cannot be friends with the love of life who is marrying another woman because I fucked up... This is why I am so busy. I just surround myself with a million different things so that I do not have to deal with it. The more i accomplish reassures me in a sense that I might have made the right decision. But it is nights like this when it hurts the most...knowing that I will live with the what ifs...
So I guess this is good bye.... September 8, 2003-March 24, 2009 Deep down I want something different, but it is what it is at the end of the day

We Meet Again

March 22, 2009

I drove Geoff to his house after church. I will not lie; I did this so that I could see Shawn. When I got there, Shawn had a pillow over his face and I was talking to Geoff, not really acknowledging his presence. I went go check on Shawn’s knee and I thought that was all the touching that I was going to do. I talked to Shawn’s dad for about twenty minutes, which was weird because he and I have never really got along. I went outside because Shawn had taken my phone. I went to go find it. He and I started talking. We talked about little things and just laughing it up. All of a sudden, he picked me up and twirled me around and body slammed me onto the ground. I was in a skirt so the worst happened. Shawn was once my best friend so I do not mind it so much because it was not awkward. We kept talking then out of nowhere, I take a step to lean up against him. I quickly took three steps back and said, “Wow.” He asked what, I told him what I was about to do and there was really he could say. I asked him what he was thinking about because I could tell by his facial expression that he wanted to say something. He refused so I started whining like a little kid, I always got my way when this happened because it was all in good fun. He made a comment about how our kids would have done that. I said no, his whiny face would make me crumble every time so his son would hardly ever get in trouble, especially if he looked like Shawn. Oh the memories…Then we went to hit golf balls. Actually he went to hit golf balls…what I did would not constitute for hitting golf balls, all but my last one I could have thrown farther. My last swing Shawn showed me how and it worked!! This is a big deal because I could never accept help from Shawn. I never did, even little things like he could out lift me. I mean he should out lift me but for some reason that when it came to athletics, he should not be better; even though he was better at EVERYTHING. We laughed and talked but it was bullshit talk. We did not want to talk about what really was going on in our heads. We went to his car to talk because it was so windy. He said that he always asks the question of why was he not good enough. I always ask the question, “How did this happen?” We went back to the grass to talk. He and I are sitting so close. We are just inches away from each other’s face. He said that I have more self-control than he does. We kissed. One of the best kisses I have ever gotten; all the passion that surrounded us was indescribable. We both know that we cannot go back and right now we are both committed to some one else. We are going to meet up on Thursday to talk about it. I am avoiding it in the way because we know that we will no longer be able to talk. I still love him and I know he loves me; I know this because he told me. Nothing has ever felt so right when Shawn and I were together. I would have given up everything to be with him. I guess that is why we broke up, because I felt like I could not have my dreams and him, with him I had new dreams. I guess we will wait for Thursday…

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I thought about him alot, actually for almost five days in a row. All I could do was sit and think about the what ifs. I heard this song by Rascal Flatts, "Here Comes Goodbye" I could hear Shawn singing it. I think it showed me a little of what he went through.

He is happy and I am happy. I do wonder if we ever would have been happy together. Would I ever be where I am or where I am going. Sometimes I think i would not be, but honestlty, Shawn was the only person who I would give up everything for. When I think about it, I would not do the same for Rodney...

Someone drew Speedy Gonzales on my door. Oh what a pleasant reminder or in my opinion a slap in the face. When I think about him, i always think about him being here, in Kansas with me. The house I wanted him to rent is still for sale, so it is hard not too....

Friday, February 20, 2009

They Say the Best is Yet to Come

I have been asking myself over the course of the week why i wrote this blog. I wrote it to express what I had been feeling. But then again it was like getting to say everything that was left unsaid...Then I got down to the real reason...I just wanted to know that Shawn was okay. i do miss him as a person. We had been through so much that it is impossible to forget, there is no amount of alcohol, no amount of tears, or new memories that will replace it. And for this I am glad...I am glad that the memories live on forever. We both learned...about what love was and what it was not.
Out of the blue I get a text from Shawn saying that there is a song by Hinder that helped him get over me and that he thought it was funny. It is called, "The Best is Yet to Come." I have heard this song...the first verse reminds me of him too. But it is like we are at peace with what happened. It ended bad, but overall it happened. Him and I are texting back and forth and for the first time in a while I feel like we are having a conversation...We are content, we are not fighting, there is no lying, no drama. There is smiling from my end. I would not call the tears rolling down my face crying because I am not sad...I just miss us bullshitting and talking about nothing important. Maybe I am sad because I know that this conversation will die out soon and we might never talk again just like we will never see each other again...It is like for a moment he is apart of my life in the smallest is through four word text...and I never thought they would mean so much. We are engaging in conversation...we are reminiscing, it will go no and means nothing but it is something, something I miss, because I miss him, I miss him a lot. I miss...

The part of the song that i think helped us both is:
Go for it
Run toward it
Dive in head first
Live life with no regret
Put your heart out there
Don't be scared you might get hurt
Its all worth it in the end
It'll all work out in the end
Because the best is yet to come

Mood: Blank, Happy
OMg there was this one time at the Platte and I was getting all of my stuff back. It was over this last break...I could not even look at him because I could not believe this was happening. All I could do was throw rocks at his shoe...All of a sudden the mood completely changed...well he was trying to through me in to the River...and I was screaming and we were wrestling and talking loudly to each other about how stupid we both were. Then finally we embraced...and that was all we needed at that moment. That day was in the past but I do remember it, i will always love that moment. We were not a couple, we were not anything...but whether we admit or not we are apart of each other. He has a piece of me, that even if he threw it away, a piece of me is still gone nonetheless. Having us talk is like having it back for a second. Not the relationship of fiance and exes but we had something that could not have a label...there are also no words...just feelings on my part...

Sunday, February 15, 2009

This is Why

I think that I have figured it out...why it is people can be so hateful during a break up...

It is because when you lose that person it feels like you have lost apart of yourself. when you love someone, truly love someone, you think that it will last forever. So you go into the relationship with everything you have. When Shawn and I got back together on New Years 2007 it was all balls out. He wanted to show me that he was going to make up for everything and he did. We talked all the time, hung out constantly and I thought that this time would be different. This time something felt different. We started going on dates where we would spend hours just laughing and talking. We grew the closest we have ever been. I finished out my senior year knowing that he would be coming to Kansas that winter, he just had to save up. Also, eight was our couple number. Every great moment had an eight in it...So we thought 2008 would be our year. This was the year that we were going to get married, because we always said that this would be our year. Did Shawn and i still fight during this time, yes but something always brought us back. We spent a lot of my last two summers at a river. We would picnic, swim, and laugh for hours. He picked up a rock and declared it his and then I did the same...on the rock filled beach we had found the same rock. We took it as a sign. E.G.R that is what we were to each other...Extra Grace Required...we were going to split up and call it quits, but we decided to go to church that one Sunday and Pastor Scott looked out at us, or so it seemed, during the message and said, "Don't give up, just stick with it." We both cried. There are countless memories such as these...
The point I am getting at is when you lose someone, whether it ended good or bad, when you lose someone who you thought was everything...a part of you dies. Whether people want to admit it or not, you lose apart of you. I know that I did, but I also lost my best friend... I can say that at one point in our lives we were everything to each other and we did not give a damn who knew it or who liked it...We were just living and loving. We invested so much time and love that when it is gone, apart of you leaves. There will always be things that i can never do again, hell just sitting in my car, being in my room, going to church, being in Brighton hurts like no other sometimes....Seeing him with Sarah showed me that he is happy, which is something Shawn deserves. I put him through a lot with my indecisiveness and my maybes and unfulfilled promises. I left...I...left, it was me. i quit, i was done, i dropped the ball in this...he has the hate to get him through...but just because I left does not mean that I do not hurt...Horace wears the same cologne as Shawn and Horace lives with Rodney...gets me every time...There is a song by Sarah Evans called "why should I care". Rodney and i are headed out for a date when I heard this song...I tried to hide crying but he knew...he always can tell when I think of Shawn. However, in the song it says my heart was never there...but it was and any one would tell you that when Shawn and I were good, damn.
I guess now I just miss Shawn's company, the voice, laughs. He is happy and I happy separately...but like i said, I did not lose just a boyfriend, or just a fiance...o i let go of way more than that...

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Part Two

I said earlier before that if I would have married Shawn then I would not be aspiring, that is because i would have become content in my life. My dad refers to it as a parking space in which you never leave. Basically I would not of maxed out my on my full potential because I would have other obligations that I would of been happy with.
Once you get married or even into a commited relationship it is no longer about you. Eventually yes I would like to get married and start a family, but I have to do me first. I spent almost all of high school chasing after a boy who did not want me, and then my last year of high school he did, and then didn't want to me again, and I waited. He left me for a girl that he had been cheating on me with. He said he put too many eggs in one basket, said she could even be it for him. And I listened i still wanted him to be apart of my life. I did a very tricky thing. I became friends with this girl, her name is Joanna and we still talk to this day. So he would tell me things and she would tell me things, and I had the whole story. It was wrong of me but I played them against each other. I am a very manipulative person, especially when it comes to getting what i want. This also makes me reflect on what a bad person, I myself might be. Well it only lasted two months, Joanna left Shawn for Eric...the person she had been seeing on the side. Her and Eric now have a baby together. In December of my senior year of high school, Shawn and I ran back into each other at one of our friends house. Awkward at first..the night was hell. It was one of the scariest things I have ever been apart of. Shawn's life was falling apart once again and I was there to witness it. I call this experience, "High Way Running". I was trying to convince Shawn not to run into ongoing traffic. Words were doing nothing so it got physical, pushing and screaming back and forth between a barbed wire fence. Eventually he calmed down. Honestly, I should hate him because of what had happened, him and the girl he cheated on me with,his Plan A broke up. What was I doing. I have the ability to stay upset for about three minutes but then it just goes away. This is why shawn and I went through so much because i would just mentally erase it. Shawn felt suicidal when I was a freshman in high school, it scared me so much. We were close and some days nothing seemed to go right for him. To give you a hint on how much my dad liked him; my dad told me to tell him to put a bag over his head so his mother would not have a mess. My dad saw that i was upset and I was only 14 at the time.
It felt like a sick cycle carousel sometimes...but then sometimes the moment was just right and nothing could go wrong. I wonder how the relationship would have been if we did not have to hide everything. We always had to sneak around to see each other and to talk. Shawn ended up buying me my own cell phone so we could communicate. My parents were so against it and so pushy. They never gave Shawn the time of day, not from day one. Over time, my friends did not approve either. His parents were not as bad as mine, they at least faked nice, and his friends thought Shawn was going to get hurt. well I guess they were right. I remember telling Shawn that when I would never leave him for Robert or Rodney. I promised that. As time went on after meeting Rodney, he was all I could talk about; how we did this and how we did that. Rodney and I were still friends at this point. Shawn and I broke up and then I got with Rodney. Shawn is still convinced today that I cheated on him with Rodney, that I never cared or loved him, and that i left him for Rodney. All three of these were not true. Shawn and I would fight, to the point where we would both throw in the towel. And then the next day go about as if nothing happened, try and start over. The nights were always the same...fighting. I was a single girl and Rodney was waiting for his chance. Even still I made Rodney wait to make it official. I was not over Shawn, I was still trying to be friends with Shawn. I made it official and then there went Shawn. Saying how i never cared and never loved him; which is an obvious lie. He swears by it, i think it makes hating me easier. I dropped the ball though. I admit, this last time it was my fault. I looked at the last five years of my life and did not want the next five to be the same. I always chose Shawn. Even though it took awhile sometimes, i would always come running back. Sometimes I feel like it now when baseball has bombarded Rodney's life and I wonder if he even knows I exist...but I do not, I just tell myself that i have somewhere in life that I am headed, people can come but certainly no man is going to stand in my way. I play the Miss Independent card but sometimes I do wish things would go back to being the way they were.
Going home is the worst for me, Shawn I literally say that he is everywhere; in my room, in my house, in my car, everywhere. Him and I made a pack once saying that we would do everything together so that when we broke up we could not do anything without thinking of the other person...Go us! This makes it hard on the both of us though...I should accept whats done is done but I will continue to think...

what if

I said I would write this when I was in a certain mood. This mood, however, was not to come creeping at my door on Valentine's Day. Also Rodney has a game in thirty minutes that I am not even close to be ready for. The mood came to me when I was getting his gifts ready...
Grammatics will be terrible in this, I only wrote it, I knew if I reread it then I would not post it.

You know if you would have told me two years ago that this is how my was going to be I would have laughed at you. Two years ago I was engaged to Shawn. Shawn and I have a rough past but things were starting to look up. My parents found out about it and my dad said that he just could not sleep at the thought of my throwing my life away. I was going out of state for school but was reconsidering so that Shawn did not have to move. This made my dad furious so I went to Bethany, it really made my parents happy and when I was not thinking of Shawn's interest it seemed like something i would really enjoy as well.
Shawn, instead, made plans to move down in the beginning of my Spring cut out all the details he never ended up moving. "Shit hit the fan" in November over Christmas break and we never quiet recovered. I started hanging out with Rodney, it was so different to get to know someone, to start over and not have him know "how I am". Shawn and I would fight and fight and I always cried. I hated it but we could never change...Correction, I could never change. I wanted him to come and play soccer at Bethany, go back to school. These of course were stupid options to him...
I NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. What happened happened. I was the one that left. Sometimes it just gets to me. It makes me feel guilty because I am about to go spend the day watching baseball and I will have some one else on my mind. Do not get me wrong, I am not trying to get Shawn back to have what we had because what we had was not working. I just thought that it was. Going out of state showed me that things never work out as planned. I know why he is on my mind today...I was reading through love quotes and I came across one that said love is forever, and then another one that said, " You do not marry the one you can live with, you marry the one you cannot live without. I think about Shawn often, nothing in particular but sometimes I think about the times we had, some of the best times of my life. But that was then and this was now...yeah this is now. he absolutely hates me and he is still hurt over it. We talked a little bit but he is so mad. He is with a girl that seems to make him happy and they are moving quite fast. I am happy for him I am...some stupid reason I just have a really hard time letting go...thinking that him and I could be friends is a joke. I know that I belong to someone else and he holds someone else but I just wish...I cannot erase him from my life, from my heart, and out of my head. Through everything...he was always on my mind. And I will tell I have also had some of the worst times in my life. I dove of the deep end in high school into depression, therapy, and needles i my arm. He went through some of the worst times of his life dealing with me too...I know that they do not equal out but in my mind I make them. I just tell myself that him and I were dysfunctional and that real love is not like that. Even though I have nothing to base on this claim.
My life would be so different, i would not be doing the Hawaii thing, the study abroad thing, the whale thing in the future, the live where ever i want and do whatever I want thing. I would be a wife, cooking and cleaning with a baby on the way. To my parents, I would have wasted my potential which lead me to think that I would waste my life. Rodney and I are functional because we enjoy each other's company and we both do whatever we want. We think about the individual first. I do my thing and race for my dreams while he does that for him. This is what makes me wonder about life and love. Shawn always said that I was too selfish because all i ever thought about was me, so now I have with someone who sees the same as me...
I just do not as a result, i will not think on it at all...It is Valentine's day which means there is chocolate. There is something I can enjoy because chocolate does not talk back or want me to make decisions...