I do not even know where to begin. For some reason I wait up for his phone call...but it never comes... We start to text and I immediately know that something is wrong. I assume that it is about Sarah, his girlfriend. He is regretting everything that happened. He tells me that it is going to be fine but I am not stupid. He said that it should not have happened and that it will never happen again. I told him I know it should not have happened but it did. We cannot change it and we both cannot change the course that we are both traveling on.
He says he regrets putting himself in the situation. What happened was so unexpected. We both did not even think about it happening. I asked Shawn, my ex fiance,if he thought he was going to marry Sarah. He said he is thinking about it....WOW i am in love with a soon to be engaged man...this man was once my fiance... I said well then if we are ever to work out then it would be years from now...and he said, no because you have your dreams. That is what hurt the most...tears are everywhere. I potentially have the most important meeting tomorrow morning with my Africa people and it is almost mid night and all I can do is think...I need to get some sleep. I feel so torn... I am watching the love of my life fall in love with someone else...who he never would have fallen in love with if it were not for me and my stubbornness. People say that he probably is not the one, but God I wanted him to be. I just wished that we could fast forward our lives and I could be back in Colorado and we could have a fresh start. He told me to grab my Bible and I said I left it at home. He asked again and I said my dorm. Then I said i said home but I meant dorm...he said exactly. Inferring that my home is 500 miles away and his home is here. He said that if I could I would not change, I would not sacrifice my dreams for him. GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!! Why does it have to hurt so much. I feel like I have a purpose but why is it that fulfilling that purpose does not include him beside me...It is because I do not get to take lovers with me...I go and they stay. So here I am bawling my eyes out when I have the best career move of my life awaiting me in nine hours.
I want to go sleep somewhere else, he is in my sheets, he is in my basement, he is in my car, in my town, every place that I go I feel him there because he is in my heart...
You know what yesterday should not have happened...not at all. But it did and I would not take it back for anything because for a moment everything was the way I always thought it would be. Bethany College was the best career move for me, but what about us...it killed us because once again I was torn...Even when him and I did not talk I thought about him every day.
I guess this is the part where I have to move on...maybe I could not work in Denver...because he is here. I gave up my right to love him when I picked my dreams over him. Yeah him and I had more downs that ups in our relationship but when it is all said and done does it really matter how many fights you had in high school? No. We never got a fair shot at a relationship because we always had the past, and the people around us shooting our dreams out of the sky like geese in bird season.
I have to let it go...I need to let him move on with his life...i do not think I will have that talk with him on Thursday...I know it is not going to be good and I want to know the last time I saw Shawn was amazing not us departing saying our final farewells because we cannot be friends...I cannot be friends with the love of life who is marrying another woman because I fucked up... This is why I am so busy. I just surround myself with a million different things so that I do not have to deal with it. The more i accomplish reassures me in a sense that I might have made the right decision. But it is nights like this when it hurts the most...knowing that I will live with the what ifs...
So I guess this is good bye.... September 8, 2003-March 24, 2009 Deep down I want something different, but it is what it is at the end of the day