Saturday, February 14, 2009

Part Two

I said earlier before that if I would have married Shawn then I would not be aspiring, that is because i would have become content in my life. My dad refers to it as a parking space in which you never leave. Basically I would not of maxed out my on my full potential because I would have other obligations that I would of been happy with.
Once you get married or even into a commited relationship it is no longer about you. Eventually yes I would like to get married and start a family, but I have to do me first. I spent almost all of high school chasing after a boy who did not want me, and then my last year of high school he did, and then didn't want to me again, and I waited. He left me for a girl that he had been cheating on me with. He said he put too many eggs in one basket, said she could even be it for him. And I listened i still wanted him to be apart of my life. I did a very tricky thing. I became friends with this girl, her name is Joanna and we still talk to this day. So he would tell me things and she would tell me things, and I had the whole story. It was wrong of me but I played them against each other. I am a very manipulative person, especially when it comes to getting what i want. This also makes me reflect on what a bad person, I myself might be. Well it only lasted two months, Joanna left Shawn for Eric...the person she had been seeing on the side. Her and Eric now have a baby together. In December of my senior year of high school, Shawn and I ran back into each other at one of our friends house. Awkward at first..the night was hell. It was one of the scariest things I have ever been apart of. Shawn's life was falling apart once again and I was there to witness it. I call this experience, "High Way Running". I was trying to convince Shawn not to run into ongoing traffic. Words were doing nothing so it got physical, pushing and screaming back and forth between a barbed wire fence. Eventually he calmed down. Honestly, I should hate him because of what had happened, him and the girl he cheated on me with,his Plan A broke up. What was I doing. I have the ability to stay upset for about three minutes but then it just goes away. This is why shawn and I went through so much because i would just mentally erase it. Shawn felt suicidal when I was a freshman in high school, it scared me so much. We were close and some days nothing seemed to go right for him. To give you a hint on how much my dad liked him; my dad told me to tell him to put a bag over his head so his mother would not have a mess. My dad saw that i was upset and I was only 14 at the time.
It felt like a sick cycle carousel sometimes...but then sometimes the moment was just right and nothing could go wrong. I wonder how the relationship would have been if we did not have to hide everything. We always had to sneak around to see each other and to talk. Shawn ended up buying me my own cell phone so we could communicate. My parents were so against it and so pushy. They never gave Shawn the time of day, not from day one. Over time, my friends did not approve either. His parents were not as bad as mine, they at least faked nice, and his friends thought Shawn was going to get hurt. well I guess they were right. I remember telling Shawn that when I would never leave him for Robert or Rodney. I promised that. As time went on after meeting Rodney, he was all I could talk about; how we did this and how we did that. Rodney and I were still friends at this point. Shawn and I broke up and then I got with Rodney. Shawn is still convinced today that I cheated on him with Rodney, that I never cared or loved him, and that i left him for Rodney. All three of these were not true. Shawn and I would fight, to the point where we would both throw in the towel. And then the next day go about as if nothing happened, try and start over. The nights were always the same...fighting. I was a single girl and Rodney was waiting for his chance. Even still I made Rodney wait to make it official. I was not over Shawn, I was still trying to be friends with Shawn. I made it official and then there went Shawn. Saying how i never cared and never loved him; which is an obvious lie. He swears by it, i think it makes hating me easier. I dropped the ball though. I admit, this last time it was my fault. I looked at the last five years of my life and did not want the next five to be the same. I always chose Shawn. Even though it took awhile sometimes, i would always come running back. Sometimes I feel like it now when baseball has bombarded Rodney's life and I wonder if he even knows I exist...but I do not, I just tell myself that i have somewhere in life that I am headed, people can come but certainly no man is going to stand in my way. I play the Miss Independent card but sometimes I do wish things would go back to being the way they were.
Going home is the worst for me, Shawn I literally say that he is everywhere; in my room, in my house, in my car, everywhere. Him and I made a pack once saying that we would do everything together so that when we broke up we could not do anything without thinking of the other person...Go us! This makes it hard on the both of us though...I should accept whats done is done but I will continue to think...

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