At the End of the Day

I do not even know where to begin. For some reason I wait up for his phone call...but it never comes... We start to text and I immediately know that something is wrong. I assume that it is about Sarah, his girlfriend. He is regretting everything that happened. He tells me that it is going to be fine but I am not stupid. He said that it should not have happened and that it will never happen again. I told him I know it should not have happened but it did. We cannot change it and we both cannot change the course that we are both traveling on.

He says he regrets putting himself in the situation. What happened was so unexpected. We both did not even think about it happening. I asked Shawn, my ex fiance,if he thought he was going to marry Sarah. He said he is thinking about it....WOW i am in love with a soon to be engaged man...this man was once my fiance... I said well then if we are ever to work out then it would be years from now...and he said, no because you have your dreams. That is what hurt the most...tears are everywhere. I potentially have the most important meeting tomorrow morning with my Africa people and it is almost mid night and all I can do is think...I need to get some sleep. I feel so torn... I am watching the love of my life fall in love with someone else...who he never would have fallen in love with if it were not for me and my stubbornness. People say that he probably is not the one, but God I wanted him to be. I just wished that we could fast forward our lives and I could be back in Colorado and we could have a fresh start. He told me to grab my Bible and I said I left it at home. He asked again and I said my dorm. Then I said i said home but I meant dorm...he said exactly. Inferring that my home is 500 miles away and his home is here. He said that if I could I would not change, I would not sacrifice my dreams for him. GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!! Why does it have to hurt so much. I feel like I have a purpose but why is it that fulfilling that purpose does not include him beside me...It is because I do not get to take lovers with me...I go and they stay. So here I am bawling my eyes out when I have the best career move of my life awaiting me in nine hours.

I want to go sleep somewhere else, he is in my sheets, he is in my basement, he is in my car, in my town, every place that I go I feel him there because he is in my heart...

You know what yesterday should not have happened...not at all. But it did and I would not take it back for anything because for a moment everything was the way I always thought it would be. Bethany College was the best career move for me, but what about us...it killed us because once again I was torn...Even when him and I did not talk I thought about him every day.

I guess this is the part where I have to move on...maybe I could not work in Denver...because he is here. I gave up my right to love him when I picked my dreams over him. Yeah him and I had more downs that ups in our relationship but when it is all said and done does it really matter how many fights you had in high school? No. We never got a fair shot at a relationship because we always had the past, and the people around us shooting our dreams out of the sky like geese in bird season.

I have to let it go...I need to let him move on with his life...i do not think I will have that talk with him on Thursday...I know it is not going to be good and I want to know the last time I saw Shawn was amazing not us departing saying our final farewells because we cannot be friends...I cannot be friends with the love of life who is marrying another woman because I fucked up... This is why I am so busy. I just surround myself with a million different things so that I do not have to deal with it. The more i accomplish reassures me in a sense that I might have made the right decision. But it is nights like this when it hurts the most...knowing that I will live with the what ifs...

So I guess this is good bye.... September 8, 2003-March 24, 2009 Deep down I want something different, but it is what it is at the end of the day

We Meet Again

March 22, 2009

I drove Geoff to his house after church. I will not lie; I did this so that I could see Shawn. When I got there, Shawn had a pillow over his face and I was talking to Geoff, not really acknowledging his presence. I went go check on Shawn’s knee and I thought that was all the touching that I was going to do. I talked to Shawn’s dad for about twenty minutes, which was weird because he and I have never really got along. I went outside because Shawn had taken my phone. I went to go find it. He and I started talking. We talked about little things and just laughing it up. All of a sudden, he picked me up and twirled me around and body slammed me onto the ground. I was in a skirt so the worst happened. Shawn was once my best friend so I do not mind it so much because it was not awkward. We kept talking then out of nowhere, I take a step to lean up against him. I quickly took three steps back and said, “Wow.” He asked what, I told him what I was about to do and there was really he could say. I asked him what he was thinking about because I could tell by his facial expression that he wanted to say something. He refused so I started whining like a little kid, I always got my way when this happened because it was all in good fun. He made a comment about how our kids would have done that. I said no, his whiny face would make me crumble every time so his son would hardly ever get in trouble, especially if he looked like Shawn. Oh the memories…Then we went to hit golf balls. Actually he went to hit golf balls…what I did would not constitute for hitting golf balls, all but my last one I could have thrown farther. My last swing Shawn showed me how and it worked!! This is a big deal because I could never accept help from Shawn. I never did, even little things like he could out lift me. I mean he should out lift me but for some reason that when it came to athletics, he should not be better; even though he was better at EVERYTHING. We laughed and talked but it was bullshit talk. We did not want to talk about what really was going on in our heads. We went to his car to talk because it was so windy. He said that he always asks the question of why was he not good enough. I always ask the question, “How did this happen?” We went back to the grass to talk. He and I are sitting so close. We are just inches away from each other’s face. He said that I have more self-control than he does. We kissed. One of the best kisses I have ever gotten; all the passion that surrounded us was indescribable. We both know that we cannot go back and right now we are both committed to some one else. We are going to meet up on Thursday to talk about it. I am avoiding it in the way because we know that we will no longer be able to talk. I still love him and I know he loves me; I know this because he told me. Nothing has ever felt so right when Shawn and I were together. I would have given up everything to be with him. I guess that is why we broke up, because I felt like I could not have my dreams and him, with him I had new dreams. I guess we will wait for Thursday…

I thought about him alot, actually for almost five days in a row. All I could do was sit and think about the what ifs. I heard this song by Rascal Flatts, "Here Comes Goodbye" I could hear Shawn singing it. I think it showed me a little of what he went through.

He is happy and I am happy. I do wonder if we ever would have been happy together. Would I ever be where I am or where I am going. Sometimes I think i would not be, but honestlty, Shawn was the only person who I would give up everything for. When I think about it, I would not do the same for Rodney...

Someone drew Speedy Gonzales on my door. Oh what a pleasant reminder or in my opinion a slap in the face. When I think about him, i always think about him being here, in Kansas with me. The house I wanted him to rent is still for sale, so it is hard not too....