what if

I said I would write this when I was in a certain mood. This mood, however, was not to come creeping at my door on Valentine's Day. Also Rodney has a game in thirty minutes that I am not even close to be ready for. The mood came to me when I was getting his gifts ready...
Grammatics will be terrible in this, I only wrote it, I knew if I reread it then I would not post it.

You know if you would have told me two years ago that this is how my was going to be I would have laughed at you. Two years ago I was engaged to Shawn. Shawn and I have a rough past but things were starting to look up. My parents found out about it and my dad said that he just could not sleep at the thought of my throwing my life away. I was going out of state for school but was reconsidering so that Shawn did not have to move. This made my dad furious so I went to Bethany, it really made my parents happy and when I was not thinking of Shawn's interest it seemed like something i would really enjoy as well.
Shawn, instead, made plans to move down in the beginning of my Spring semester...to cut out all the details he never ended up moving. "Shit hit the fan" in November over Christmas break and we never quiet recovered. I started hanging out with Rodney, it was so different to get to know someone, to start over and not have him know "how I am". Shawn and I would fight and fight and I always cried. I hated it but we could never change...Correction, I could never change. I wanted him to come and play soccer at Bethany, go back to school. These of course were stupid options to him...
I NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. What happened happened. I was the one that left. Sometimes it just gets to me. It makes me feel guilty because I am about to go spend the day watching baseball and I will have some one else on my mind. Do not get me wrong, I am not trying to get Shawn back to have what we had because what we had was not working. I just thought that it was. Going out of state showed me that things never work out as planned. I know why he is on my mind today...I was reading through love quotes and I came across one that said love is forever, and then another one that said, " You do not marry the one you can live with, you marry the one you cannot live without. I think about Shawn often, nothing in particular but sometimes I think about the times we had, some of the best times of my life. But that was then and this was now...yeah this is now. he absolutely hates me and he is still hurt over it. We talked a little bit but he is so mad. He is with a girl that seems to make him happy and they are moving quite fast. I am happy for him I am...some stupid reason I just have a really hard time letting go...thinking that him and I could be friends is a joke. I know that I belong to someone else and he holds someone else but I just wish...I cannot erase him from my life, from my heart, and out of my head. Through everything...he was always on my mind. And I will tell I have also had some of the worst times in my life. I dove of the deep end in high school into depression, therapy, and needles i my arm. He went through some of the worst times of his life dealing with me too...I know that they do not equal out but in my mind I make them. I just tell myself that him and I were dysfunctional and that real love is not like that. Even though I have nothing to base on this claim.
My life would be so different, i would not be doing the Hawaii thing, the study abroad thing, the whale thing in the future, the live where ever i want and do whatever I want thing. I would be a wife, cooking and cleaning with a baby on the way. To my parents, I would have wasted my potential which lead me to think that I would waste my life. Rodney and I are functional because we enjoy each other's company and we both do whatever we want. We think about the individual first. I do my thing and race for my dreams while he does that for him. This is what makes me wonder about life and love. Shawn always said that I was too selfish because all i ever thought about was me, so now I have with someone who sees the same as me...
I just do not know...so as a result, i will not think on it at all...It is Valentine's day which means there is chocolate. There is something I can enjoy because chocolate does not talk back or want me to make decisions...