This is Why

I think that I have figured it out...why it is people can be so hateful during a break up...

It is because when you lose that person it feels like you have lost apart of yourself. when you love someone, truly love someone, you think that it will last forever. So you go into the relationship with everything you have. When Shawn and I got back together on New Years 2007 it was all balls out. He wanted to show me that he was going to make up for everything and he did. We talked all the time, hung out constantly and I thought that this time would be different. This time something felt different. We started going on dates where we would spend hours just laughing and talking. We grew the closest we have ever been. I finished out my senior year knowing that he would be coming to Kansas that winter, he just had to save up. Also, eight was our couple number. Every great moment had an eight in it...So we thought 2008 would be our year. This was the year that we were going to get married, because we always said that this would be our year. Did Shawn and i still fight during this time, yes but something always brought us back. We spent a lot of my last two summers at a river. We would picnic, swim, and laugh for hours. He picked up a rock and declared it his and then I did the same...on the rock filled beach we had found the same rock. We took it as a sign. E.G.R that is what we were to each other...Extra Grace Required...we were going to split up and call it quits, but we decided to go to church that one Sunday and Pastor Scott looked out at us, or so it seemed, during the message and said, "Don't give up, just stick with it." We both cried. There are countless memories such as these...
The point I am getting at is when you lose someone, whether it ended good or bad, when you lose someone who you thought was everything...a part of you dies. Whether people want to admit it or not, you lose apart of you. I know that I did, but I also lost my best friend... I can say that at one point in our lives we were everything to each other and we did not give a damn who knew it or who liked it...We were just living and loving. We invested so much time and love that when it is gone, apart of you leaves. There will always be things that i can never do again, hell just sitting in my car, being in my room, going to church, being in Brighton hurts like no other sometimes....Seeing him with Sarah showed me that he is happy, which is something Shawn deserves. I put him through a lot with my indecisiveness and my maybes and unfulfilled promises. I left...I...left, it was me. i quit, i was done, i dropped the ball in this...he has the hate to get him through...but just because I left does not mean that I do not hurt...Horace wears the same cologne as Shawn and Horace lives with Rodney...gets me every time...There is a song by Sarah Evans called "why should I care". Rodney and i are headed out for a date when I heard this song...I tried to hide crying but he knew...he always can tell when I think of Shawn. However, in the song it says my heart was never there...but it was and any one would tell you that when Shawn and I were good, damn.
I guess now I just miss Shawn's company, the voice, laughs. He is happy and I happy separately...but like i said, I did not lose just a boyfriend, or just a fiance...o i let go of way more than that...